A response: You never leave your {church} family

By On July 11, 2012 · 6 Comments

I heard her say it to a friend as I am sliding clothes on the discount rack at J.C. Penney,

“You never leave your church family. Pastors may come and go but your church is like family. You never leave family.”

The words burn like a cattle brand. I bear the scars. I’m so stunned by the memory I move from the discount rack to petites where I can no longer overhear.

Silhouette of Church

Photo Credit: Vic Nanda

For hours afterward I can’t shake the statement, “You never leave your church family …. pastors come and go. But you never leave.” I wonder if I should have interrupted them, interjected and explained what those words of have done to me over the years. But I don’t because what would have surfaced would have been raw and ugly and hateful and unfair.

But now, after reflection, after some time away from church leadership, after conversations with friends in a small and loving community, I can talk about it. I wish I had the composure to say:

Dear friend,

I know you believe every word of the advice you’re giving. You believe church is a family and it should be. The analogy is good.

For me and probably for you, family is a great thing. Family is running through sprinklers in the summer sun, a hot cup of chocolate after building a snowman, and a safe place to land at the end of the day. Family is all that is safe and wonderful and right. In our family we’re all individuals, but we are also a unit. We work together desiring that children will one day be independent. We are together.

For many though, family is not a safe place. Family is a prison of fear, anger, and disfunction. Conversations happen in raised voices. Drugs are cooked on the stove. Sexual abuse is an initiation into adolescence. Hateful words and hidden bruises are a fact of life. Unhealthy dependencies exist between parents and children. Independence and personal achievement are discouraged. Relationships are parasitical and selfish.

And, my friend, your analogy rings true in this: just like there is a continuum of healthy and unhealthy families, so it is with churches.

I hear you — leaving a family is a serious decision. No family is perfect. We all have a grumpy uncle or a crazy aunt or a cousin who proves embarrassing at the family reunion. I understand. You don’t leave a family because of a few nuts. If we did the world would be a lonely and miserable place.

But some families need to be left. They create a cycle of dependency, dysfunction, and hate such that anyone caught in their grasp is dragged into the mire. The more you try to help the more you’re sucked in. Eventually, the only option for a healthy life is to walk away.

So it is with churches.

Please, choose your words carefully. They have a deep and powerful message.

To your friend, I don’t know if your current situation warrants leaving. I don’t know if someone has hurt your feelings, or if you’re upset about the new carpet, or if you are being terribly mistreated. In general, the point your friend is trying to make is valid: you should stay. Try to work it out. Build relationships. Forgive. Serve. But if you’ve tried all that and are still being wounded, maybe its time to ask some hard questions — and maybe make some hard decisions.

And one more thing, a side note really. Please, think carefully about your view of your pastor. It’s likely that he became your pastor because he loves God and loves people and wants to serve. He wants to be part of the family too.

With love (and tears),

Eyvonne

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1060141573 Scott Canion

    Agreed. Families can be dysfunctional and abusive, and this MUST be addressed. However, most of the time when we talk about our churches as family, we’re really thinking of them like buying a new car. We work hard researching the options to see what will be the best model for us. Even if something doesn’t feel right, we’ll stick with it for a while (after all it’s a major purchase and who can afford to just junk such an investment). However, in the back of our minds, we hold onto that 3 year 150,000 mile warranty hoping that something major will go wrong so that we have a way out. Isn’t it just as likely that the woman considering leaving her church was making the decision based on such trivial criteria? We all use extremes to make a point. You just did it in your post, I just did it in this comment, perhaps that’s all this person was doing. It’s hard to make a determination without additional information to provide context.

    • http://www.eyvonnesharp.com/ Eyvonne

      I’m not really making a judgement about the people in this particular story, just speaking out of personal experience — the guilt that can be levied on those who need to leave an unhealthy situation. It happens in abusive families, abusive relationships, and abusive churches.

      I’m on board with you that church shopping based on a list “felt needs” is a terrible thing. A TERRIBLE thing.

  • Holly

    Eyvonne,
    As one who comes from a dysfunctional family (who doesn’t, really?), you are so right–families are not always the warm fuzzy place of dreams. Nor are churches. I believe that Church is where we are called to Know and be Known. Just as my presence should be a response to the wooing of the Holy Spirit, so, too, should I feel that vibe from those around me. But things get broken, sometimes. When we get married, the Word speaks of us leaving our families and cleaving to our beloved. Christ is the Bride, not the institution.

    • http://www.eyvonnesharp.com/ Eyvonne

      Yes, Holly! And how to function in a way that honors Christ with other believers in this fallen world. That is a challenge for all of us.

  • TereasaM

    I had the same reaction when your post title came to my inbox. My heart sank and I asked myself if I really wanted to read this. I’m so glad I did.

    I recently had a first conversation with someone related to the abusive church we left. He wants to move his family to the church and was challenging our reasons for leaving. (He said he was trying to make an informed decision, but it was clear he already made it.) When he told me that every church has imperfections, I answered, “Most churches are not perfect, but a few are even dangerous. Our family was in danger and we had to leave.” I then told him that the conversation was becoming hurtful and I could not continue it.

    I’m sorry. I think this topic is so sad. It has me in tears now. God bless you.

    • http://www.eyvonnesharp.com/ Eyvonne

      I’m so glad you connected with this.